


Military Man?

by FlashBastard



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-24
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:06:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27696001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlashBastard/pseuds/FlashBastard
Summary: Crowley is reminded that Aziraphale is actually in charge of a platoon.
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 57





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on the fact that Aziraphale is a principality which, in the hierarchy of Heaven, puts him third from the bottom. And in the show the quartermaster says "Your platoon is waiting for you." and they wouldn't wait for him if he weren't in charge.

Crowley was sitting at Aziraphale's desk waiting while the angel made himself a fresh cup of cocoa. He really didn't understand why Aziraphale loved hot chocolate so much but it was rather adorable when he thought about it. He was watching Aziraphale move around the room when he suddenly heard the unmistakable sound of something arriving from Heaven. He'd been there when Aziraphale had gotten various memos from head office so he knew the sound well. He turned and his eyes went a bit wide at the rather large pile of papers that was suddenly there. 

"Um....angel?" Crowley raised an eyebrow as he slowly turned back to look at Aziraphale. 

"Hmmm?" Aziraphale said without looking up. 

"Care to explain this?" Crowley pointed to the papers. Aziraphale turned and looked at his desk. His shoulders slumped and he sighed heavily. 

"Oh, that." Aziraphale made a face that Crowley hadn't seen very often. The last time he saw that look was when Aziraphale had accidentally been given some bad sushi. 

"Not exactly an explanation." Crowley smirked a little. 

"Those are progress reports from my platoon." Aziraphale walked over and started to move them off the desk but Crowley put a hand on top of the stack. 

"Your platoon?" He asked and then he grinned. "That's right....you're a principality that means you're in charge of a platoon." He chuckled softly. 

"Yes, I am. It's not funny, it's tedious." He rolled his eyes and then went to sit on the sofa since Crowley very clearly wasn't moving out of the desk chair. 

"And you're actually giving this platoon assignments? And they send you reports?" Crowley kept his hand on the top page on the pile. 

"I tried to just ignore them but they insisted." Aziraphale sighed before sipping his cocoa. 

"How come I've never seen you reading any of these reports?" Crowley started to thumb through, deciding which one he was going to start with. It could be interesting. 

"Because I don't read them." Aziraphale muttered into his cocoa. 

"What was that?" Crowley asked with a smirk. 

"I don't read them." Aziraphale said more clearly. "And I do realize this just proves your whole point about.....the arrangement." 

"Oh it most certainly does." Crowley said with a laugh. He started to look through the pile and then stopped at one particular report. "Aziraphale.....this report is on the flight path and activity of a specific bumble bee." 

"Oh yes, glad to see that one's finished." Aziraphale said rather deadpan. Crowley just looked at him. "They said I had to give them assignments, they didn't say they had to be interesting assignments." 

"According to this particular angel this one specific bumble bee is the most exciting bumble bee to exist." Crowley chuckled. "So you just give them random ridiculous assignments to keep them off your back?" 

"Yes. And it works. None of them seem to mind too much." Aziraphale replied and sipped his cocoa again. 

"You're not required to assign them miracles?" Crowley raised an eyebrow. He thought all angels were given those kinds of assignments. 

"I leave the miracles up to their discretion. They're just required to perform no less than one non self serving miracle per week." Aziraphale said with a nod. Crowley laughed out loud. 

"You gave them a quota?" He shook his head. "But they get to choose the miracle as long as it helps someone else." That part was said more than asked. 

"Yes, exactly." Aziraphale nodded again. He thought it a rather good idea. Crowley got up and walked over to sit next to Aziraphale, looking at him for a moment. 

"Angel......you are very possible the worst military leader in the history of military leaders." Crowley said it with so much affection that Aziraphale wasn't sure whether it was an insult or not. He could actually feel the love flowing off of Crowley in waves. It caused him to blush a little bit. 

"Yes, well. No one said I had to be good at it." Aziraphale shrugged and sipped his cocoa. 

"That is very true." Crowley nodded. He was quiet for a moment and then turned to Aziraphale again. "Mind if I make a list of tasks for the next round?" Crowley raised an eyebrow. 

"I don't know...." Aziraphale was understandably wary. 

"Oh, don't be like that, angel. I'm not going to do anything bad and you have full approval before assigning anything to anyone." Crowley settled back into the couch a bit. 

"Alright. As long as I have final approval." Aziraphale nodded. 

"Fantastic." Crowley smiled. "I'll bring you the list tomorrow." He then got up and stretched a bit. "Better be popping along, though. Have that temptation to take care of." 

"Right." Aziraphale nodded. "See you tomorrow then." He got to his feet and started to walk Crowley out. 

"Tomorrow it is." Crowley nodded and then headed out to the Bentley, driving off. Aziraphale wondered if maybe he was making a mistake. He supposed he'd find out tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The list

Crowley did keep his appointment with Aziraphale the next day but he hadn't finished the list of tasks yet. He wanted to think it over very carefully. They had to be tasks that an angel would do without questioning it. It was very easy for him to come up with menial evil tasks. That was part of being a demon. It was the angelic duties that were making him actually think. Though every time he came up with a really good evil task he added it to a list that he fully intended to give to Legion to complete. 

It ended up taking him about a week to come up with a list of things that Aziraphale's entire platoon could do. There were twenty four angels in Aziraphale's platoon and he wanted to come up with tasks for each and every one of them. After he finally had the list completed to his liking he headed to the bookshop and placed the hand written list down on Aziraphale's desk. 

"You could work on your penmanship." Aziraphale said, making a face as he looked at the list.

"You are literally the only person I actually write things out for. I type all my paperwork." Crowley replied before sticking his tongue out at Aziraphale. This caused the angel to chuckle a bit. Aziraphale put his glasses on before looking over the list. 

"This is...." He looked at Crowley and then looked at the list again. "Plant an acorn in a protected forest and monitor its growth. Compile yearly progress reports to be submitted once every ten years?" 

"Is that.....I thought it was a good one." Crowley scratched the back of his neck. 

"Oh, it's fantastic. That one job alone will keep one of them occupied for centuries." Aziraphale smiled. Crowley relaxed almost visibly and smiled a little. Aziraphale kept looking down the list and nodded. "This will do nicely, yes." He set the paper on his desk and looked up at Crowley. 

"I thought you would like it." Crowley nodded. 

"Now I just have to get them actually assigned." Aziraphale made a face again. "I do so hate paperwork." 

"I know you do, angel. How about I buy you lunch and then you can worry about the paperwork later?" Crowley grinned. Aziraphale did that adorable little wiggle that always came at the mention of food. 

"Sounds splendid." Aziraphale grabbed his coat and they went to find a place to eat. 

The List 

1: Plant an acorn in a protected park and monitor its growth. Compile yearly progress reports to be submitted once every ten years. Reports should include growth rate, soil composition, and weather data as well as leaf consistency and color variants. 

2: Monitor fowl population in and around Central Park, New York City, USA. The area should consist of no less than five city blocks in each direction from the park.

3: Find and monitor Loch Ness Monster. Include data on eating habits, living area, and how the creature has managed to evade human notice. 

4: Monitor and record all squirrel variations throughout the world. Include color, size, fur thickness, and location data. 

5: Monitor behavior of Canadian geese to determine why they're such twats. (Aziraphale plans to edit this one just a bit.) 

6: Measure each mountain peak around the world to determine which one is actually the highest one. Do not let humans know if it's not Everest. 

7: Locate and record all aquatic creature species below a depth of 4,500 meters. Notate variations in color and size as well as species. 

8: Count and report on the number of words in every book in the Library of Congress. Each individual book as well as a total sum of all the books. 

9: Find the lost manuscript of Babylonaica. 

10: Pick a 25sqkm area of the Amazon rain forest and report on all vegetation in said area. Separate by species, size, and color. Report should include detailed map of the specific area studied. 

11: Determine the exact number of white cars in existence. Separate by make, model, type, and shade of white. 

12: Locate and monitor the yeti. Determine if there are multiple yeti, eating habits, sleeping habits, location of home and how it has evaded human notice. 

13: How many whales are there exactly? 

14: Locate the lost manuscripts of Eudemas 

15: Follow the flight path of an achene from a taraxacum and monitor growth if achene plants. 

16: Determine why Gabriel is such a twat. (Aziraphale intends to not use this one as Crowley only put it on the list to be facetious.) 

17: Monitor and record all animal species in New Zealand. 

18: Report on the average number of hairs on a fox. 

19: Determine percentage of humans that don't know what an aglet is. 

20: Determine if a swallow can, in fact, carry a coconut. (Crowley recently watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail for the fifty seventh time.)

21: Monitor and track Mendenhall Glacier. Report on ice thickness, length of the glacier and movement rate. Reports should be compiled yearly and submitted every ten years. 

22: Compile a list of all known tongue twister phrases in every language throughout history. 

23: Determine number of leaves in Redwood National Forest 

24: Determine number of lakes in the world. Should be divided into categories based on size. Nothing smaller than 15sqm is considered a lake. 

25: Really want to know why Gabriel is such a twat.


End file.
